Growing Pains

The end of an era

Tyler the Creator in “Sorry not Sorry” music video

I am killing myself.

It’s been a long time coming, it started at 19 when my sister died. That day, my world was forever altered for the worst. I don’t remember holding her the day they brought her home, there is a picture of that though. When I carried her to her grave there were no photos taken, but it will be forever in my mind.

After the funeral I went back to my grandma’s house where we ate food, honestly that’s all I remember. I had my uncle drop me back off at my dorm; I would be in class the next day (that wasn’t healthy don’t be me). I am not someone who is going to say I keep my promises (see my many failed fitness attempts), but I promised if I was the one who gets to live this life won’t be wasted. Which is why I am currently killing myself.

At 19 I did not know how to not waste my life. My goal was to go college find a wife, get a job, have kids, and have nice things. That goal felt hollow after my sister died. I could not put my finger on why, but something did not sit right about it. Feelings be damned though, I continued on my path knowing I would find my way. Nigga, if you would have told me I was 15 years away from figuring it out, I might of offed myself forreal.

I went through job after job feeling empty inside. Getting promotions just felt like I could afford to live a little easier, the money never felt like enough, and the compliments never seemed to compliment something I truly had any pride in. In fact, getting complimented on things I did not care about started to eat away at me. I would lay in bed thinking “maybe God took the wrong sibling”. Being called smart, hardworking, someone who really has their head on their shoulders whenever on the inside you are lost and searching for meaning; will push you to the edge of sanity.

I came to California for clarity. Covid was in year 2, I was getting paid to watch Youtube videos in my office because my job was that boring, and I was having frequent panic attacks. The universe did her thing because I got the clarity I needed. Finance, the field I was in was never going to allow me to accomplish the life I wanted. I wanted to be a valuable member of our community, but after 5 years in finance giving financial advice or helping people with retirement seemed unhelpful (those companies just want their cut). Also, I was never going to make enough money and have the time to find ways to use the money in meaningful ways (that’s capitalism baby!).

I quit that Finance job. I was not sure what I wanted to do, but I knew there was nothing left in that industry for me and staying there would be breaking my promise of not wasting my life. This last year of creating and building the foundation of The Wake and Think has been one of the most fulfilling years of my life. 19 year old me did it! I am no longer wasting my life and have found the purpose to honor my sister’s life. I love what he was able to do for us. I will always be grateful, but he is tired and is not equipped for the next era of life. So I killed him.

I have never felt a transformation quite like the one I am going through now. I know that the version of myself needed today can’t be the same one that has carried all this baggage to get us here. I will forever love this past version of myself and I promise to keep our promise.

I want to thank me. The last 15 years have been an inner struggle. Thanks to all the friends, romantic encounters, and family who have seen and supported the glimpses and phases they saw.

Stay woke,